Why, oh why ???

Ok, have to admit I am thinking hard about why I decided to do this...it is a project I started thinking about 8 months ago, but just never found the energy or motivation to finish and actually follow through.

The motivation for doing this, putting my life out for public inspection and thinking outside of my head is easy, terror. 8 months ago I found myself free falling down a rabbit hole into a surreal world that had nothing to do with me or my reality... My partner of almost a decade decided she was done, three days later I was diagnosed with cancer, on top of this we were living 3,000 miles away from my family and friends, I had only been in my new job about 9 weeks, knew not a soul, had no support system and not a seperate penny to my name... needless to say I was a little upset.

Add to that the fact that I was approaching my 50th birthday, had packed on 70 pounds onto an already "big girl" body and you have all you need to have an excuse to retreat into your room with a case of oreos and never come out again.

Well, I did find some strength and tried to claim a life, I found a house and moved to the city, I have made a commitment to walk in the breast cancer 3 day so I have been walking and training for the past 3 months, which has helped me lose 40 pounds. Life has settled down, and I no longer cry myself to sleep, nor do I dream imaginary evils happening to my ex and her mid-life crisis (why the hell do lesbians always try to pretend we are still friends???). I am making progress toward rebuilding my life, but (Pay attention to the BUT) I still find myself making excuses for opting out of a social/personal life.

While it is true that my community is hard to break into (everyone acts like if you say hello you are hitting on them for gawd sake) and the world does think body mass has some link to intelligence ( I guess they never heard of weight gain due to treatment, gotta love those steroids and the appetite they produce :-), and if you are not connected to a group, at a certain age it is hard to find a place to fit into, AND I despise feeling like someones project or social work assignment... The truth is I have used all of that as an excuse to hide and avoid life.

I am 50, fat and bald (ok, so now I am not bald but I have very little hair) and SO WHAT? I have to get over myself and the barriers I build that keep me waiting to start living, waiting until I lose weight, waiting until I grow hair, waiting until I have healed, waiting for god knows what, but waiting is what I have been doing, and you know what? WAITING SUCKS!!!

So I have decided that my project for myself is to build a life, to force myself to have experiences and put myself out there, to find friends and to find love, and who the hell cares if I am baldish, fatish or oldish? I am just gonna go on being me.

So the why is simple, this blog forces me to be accountable to myself. It doesn't really matter if anyone ever reads this, it just is about me stretching beyond excuses and comfort and doing the things I want to do, no apologies to anyone.

LET ME BE CLEAR, this is not about me searching for love through the blog, this is not some half-assed, poor me, love me, blog... it is simply my journal of the journey I am committed to taking for the next year. Feel free to join me or not, but know that just by having the commitment to write about something every day forces me to get up, get dressed and think outside of the box. I hope you are ready, cuz I am!

Buckle up, I think it is going to be a bumpy ride.

Yikes, am I really doing this???

OK, I have decided to blog this next piece of my life in order to keep myself accountable to the concept of possibility. The title of this blog is appropriate to my life, it is my mantra at the moment... Weebles take whatever heads their way, they bounce and roll and wobble all over the place, but in the end, they stop, steady and firm, right way up, with their "feet" down and their head up, ready for the next adventure. I want to be a weeble, I want to take what life dishes, roll and bounce, wobble and bob, eventually to find my footing and stand firm and confident, ready for the next ride.

This has been a rocking, wobbly, wiggly year, and I have not yet found solid ground, but I will, and when I do, watch out.

For those of you who know my story, you understand, for others, Stay tuned for the rest of my story...